Day 25

Addiction

So, after trial/error/disappointment, I've gotten into the habit of medicating myself with a post-obstruction cocktail -- usually there's more the former than the latter.

The Reality: If I stay on this trajectory, and life keeps sucking, I'm well on my way to developing one whopping dependency.

The Story: Today began like an other day -- I awoke with the sunshine of possibility and a new day warming the apples of my bright smile. I showered/dressed, handled some early morning business, and made my way out the door, on time might I add, to my first obligation of the day.

I must not have checked my calendar, because apparently today is the day the Hellmouth opened over Atlanta. Or, at least, my life.

I won't belabor every nauseatingly obnoxious detail that attributed to my persistent foul mood today -- rather, let's take a topical approach:

1) Lack of personal transportation
Seriously, this is becoming Issue #1 for me. I won't even bring up how public transportation in Atlanta is neither convenient, reliable, or compatible with my life schedule, not too mention how embarrassing and uncomfortable it is to be seen standing on Random Atlanta Corner #3453 (dressed business casual wearing my maroon Morehouse College polo accented by a briefcase, no less) in the hot ass Georgia sun waiting for the bus -- that may or may not come when it's supposed to. No, the most frustrating part of the whole ordeal is my inability to navigate life/negotiate space and time to my personal desire. I'm always at the mercy of some other entity's resource, and it's beginning to piss me off to my highest pissivity (yes, it's a word...and if it wasn't before, it is now).

2) Lack of substantial viable stream of income.
Those who've partaken in my previous posts are well acquainted with the Dawson's Creek saga that is my "employment" (my emphasis). After numerous attempted home invasions (three since the beginning of 2009) and a re-evaluation of the now very apparent lack of amenities (see above) in my life, it has become more and more obvious that I'm in need of a stronger fiscal influx. More disappointing, however, is the juxtaposition of my current job(s) and pay against the current job market and the work that I've already given to the aforementioned agencies. They continue to thrive while I wither -- at my expense, literally.

3) Lack of support
I am growing increasingly agitated with my current lot in life. While I've never been a fan (or recipient) of hand-outs, I'm beginning to wonder why my road was predestined to be so autonomous and arduous. I know this is about to border on selfish narcissism, but why haven't I been given certain gifts, gifts that I perceive I need to achieve my optimal success and gifts that I see others receiving all the time. For instance: why didn't I get a car growing up (a shitty fixer-upper that I could have pushed throughout high-school and undergrad while learning the basics of car maintenance and automobile finances) so that now not only would I have reliable transportation, but I wouldn't have to finance a vehicle all by my onesy. Why couldn't I have gotten some support to help buoy the financial transition from safe, comfortable college to shockingly-abrasive adulthood? I don't believe that I'm owed anything from anyone, but I've got to admit -- I do feel like I'm floating on a patchwork raft in the middle of a torrential ocean. I'm secure in the knowledge that I'm on the right path and that I'm (kinda) doing the right thing, but I can't help but wonder if, under my current circumstances, I'm going to make it -- and why I'm (seemingly) having it harder than others in situations akin to my own.

I apologize for my bitch-fest -- but I had to get this off my chest. In the meantime, I meditate:

After achieving the success of graduating from college, what, if anything, should you expect in return?